SWOP article

This past week it was SWOP. A time of worship and communion with the whole school… the leaders were our own classmates. I walked into chapel on Monday knowing Amy was going to speak. And knowing I probably wasn’t going to take anything useful away from the whole week.
Boy, was I wrong.

This week… I had never experienced anything like it before. Even though I can’t say I took to heart everything everyone said, I did learn more than I thought I would.

It was Friday night. Vespers. And even before it had started, I felt horribly alone. I felt like I never would have friends, never would be accepted here at WWVA, and that I had better friends at my old school. Which unfortunately I can’t go back to because it only went to 10th grade. Hence why I’m here at WWVA. I felt tears come to my eyes because I just wanted someone to always be with me, to talk with me, like I saw everyone else have. Then Colin Pummel showed up and asked if he could sit next to me. I silently said thanks to God, even though it was only a temporary fix for one of my ever reaching problems. We talked, and then a few others showed up. Vespers finally started. I sung with my heart because I just loved to sing. I knew I was off-tune, I knew I wasn’t very good, but I loved all the words I was saying, and I felt like God was truly listening. It was the first thing that happened that night for me.

Erica spoke next. Her speech was awesome. I liked it a lot. And I could see what she was trying to say. God is the bread of life. She was making bread… just not in the way we would, right? Right… There was more I could glean from what she was saying than she probably intended.

When Candace, Natalie, Noelle and Mishayla did special music, I felt alone again. And I knew that what Candace had said earlier in the week just wasn’t for me. I didn’t have a talent. I just can’t find one. I could say I’m a good listener, but I just would be fooling myself. I abandoned the guitar a long time ago… okay, maybe when I started coming to WWVA. There are many things I just can’t measure up to. And then what is left? Well, in the end, nothing… If God gave me a talent, then I just haven’t found it yet. I just don’t have a talent that is unique.

But the most intensifying thing that happened all week long happened after vespers. I said bye to my group of friends and headed for my car. My mind was reeling. Heroes? Of course I’m not perfect. I always feel alone in a crowded room. Oh, why is this happening to me? And as I walked to my car, I started to cry. I felt horrible. I just wanted God to answer my one pleading question. It wasn’t because I felt like I had no friends. It wasn’t that I had no talent. It more like had to do with my self worth. But it wasn’t truly all of that. It was something else. I just kept asking God to help me understand what was wrong with me. I cried twice on my way back to my Aunt’s house. I just wanted an answer, badly. I’d been asking for one for the longest time. I just went right out and PLEADED nonstop on the way down the highway. I had to know.

I didn’t get an answer, or so I thought. All Sabbath I thought about it. And then it hit me. Something Maressa told me once. Kayla and her advice too… It all came together to give me my supposed answer. I hated feeling like what I got was God’s answer. And even now I’m unsure if that truly is what it is. My friends all tell me good advice... at times. It’s not easy to accept what they say. I’ve tried to get past my problem, but it’s hard. If God’s answer is no, then wouldn’t he give me peace about it?

I haven’t figured out all the answers yet. But I know that this WOP helped me finally just go all out in trying to fix the problem I’m struggling with. I’m not done with my struggle yet. It may not end until the day I graduate from high school… maybe not even then, but I know that if God’s answer is still coming, I want to know it. And if he truly has given it to me, then… I hope he helps me understand why the answer is no. And hopefully it’ll help me see that maybe I’m not completely worthless in the end.